Lolling About The Tropics

“I am happiest when I am idle. I could live for months without performing any kind of labor, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more months” - Artemus Ward

Planes, trains, and automobiles connect China to the South of Thailand. Exercising laziness is the only practical way to experience beaches at this latitude, and the only practical way to experience that laziness in its completeness and give it the attention that it merits is to do it with a towel, some beer, and a snorkel and mask. This combination of things is perfect. I tested these materials in the laboratories of Koh Tao Island, Thailand, and Tioman Island, Malaysia, with fantastic results! The moment I felt too active, I stopped, managed myself, and drank a beer. When I was back in suitable comfort and ease, I rolled into the crystal waters like a fat seal, snorkeled some, then emerged and fell onto a towel. Most of my days on the islands rolled around in this cycle much like clothes in a washing machine. Of course at night, by manner of nature, I had to think up some other activity to occupy my time, so I did my thinking in open air bars on the coral shores under the dim light of candle and torch. I suppose I thought on it all night, every night, mainly, as I

don't recall leaving the bar for anything other than walking on the beach and drinking more beer while doing that. I was always too drunk to think of a better place to drink. By and by, I found enough on the island of Koh Tao to keep me happy and relaxed both day and night, and that is always the goal of the worn and tired traveler, I think. In fact, on Koh Tao, my only true exertion was to calculate and follow marine life with my eyes during the long days. It was a difficult task at first, but I mastered it in time. It was an especially difficult task when I rode on a party boat around the island, stopping five times to snorkel; the first stop: Shark Bay. Now, it was

here my eyes had the hardest time. They had the challenge of determining reality against fantasy. The Black Tip Shark they saw meandering through the shallow coral was, then, fantasy - according to my brain - but my eyes insisted it was a reality. Some gentle back and forth followed; then some aggressive discussion; my eyes had to challenge my brain, and that is never an easy thing for my eyes to do; my brain being a stubborn thing; but, alas they persuaded it to agree, and then all of me accepted it as a Black Tip Shark 10 yards to my bow. Its sudden existence a encroaching situation, but one that was greeted with calm, mostly. Rather than to

have a jerk and spin reaction, I remained quite prone, and quite relaxed. The Black Tip Shark has a way of undulation that can seduce any onlooker including one so tested as myself. It moves almost as seductively as the snake. I watched it move in this way for as long as I could keep up with its swiftness, and was then alone again with the Clown Fish.

On and on, so I went, down to Malaysia. Due to some trouble and lack of sympathy, I shall mention some names. Lumprayah Ferry Company, which services Koh Tao Island from and to Chumphon, has not much sense for a large and presumably experienced company. Not much sense for timing, not much sense for reality, and not much sense for justice - or a less severe form of fairness, perhaps. Details are always lost and mistaken for other things when trying to remember exactly the particulars of an incident, so I will leave them out and just state the fact that they left my bag on the island and didn't mention anything until I was rested and ready to travel again on the mainland. Very well, I spent the night in Chumphon waiting for the first ferry of the next day which came with my bag, which now was traveling alone and scared; poor thing! My attempt to get Lumprayah Ferry Company to reimburse me the fee I was charged for changing my departure train ticket was considered amusing, and laughed at behind closed doors, I think. I am now among the unsatisfied, and shall remain that way until a check comes in the mail! Either this or a substantially large Banana Split; the choice is yours. Only send the check by mail.

Moving on, I took a peaceful overnight train to Penang, Malaysia, where the food and culture is a soup of different ethnicity and flavor influenced by ethnic Malays, Chinese immigrants, Indian settlers, and British Colonists. Here food is an art, and a source of pride I've been told. I sampled some of its beginner level dishes myself and will recommend them if I have to. On again from Penang, another night train brought me to Kuala Lumpur where I had just enough time to board a bus to Johor Bahru, and then not enough time to

board another bus from Johor Bahru to Mersing. In Mersing I missed the last ferry to the Island of Tioman due to the ocean tides disagreeing with me, of course. The next morning, inconvenienced by two whole days of masterful nonsense and crafty idiocy, I was at the destination I preferred. Why, the island is breathtaking in the sunlight. Disembarking from the pier, I passed over aqua-green water with visibility enough to see the hermit crabs fussing about ten meters deep. They were unusually large hermit crabs. I saw sorts of fish I had only seen on television, and I saw species of coral I had never seen anywhere. I saw birds flying overhead that belonged on the cover of cereal boxes. I saw trees in the jungle that were florescent green, and vines on them so big they looked like trees themselves. All this and I had not placed a foot on the island. When I finally did place a foot on the island, the scene was much the same. And then I saw my accommodations. It could be classified as a bungalow dorm, I suppose. It was the worst bungalow dorm I have ever seen! It is the first bungalow dorm I have ever seen, but surely if I saw a thousand more bungalow dorms it should still be the worst bungalow dorm even then! Perhaps I will never try another bungalow dorm because of it. The window was dirty, the bathroom was dirty, the ceiling was dirty, the pillow was dirty, the mattress was dirty, the dirt was dirty. The door was broken, the locker was broken, the sink was broken, the window was broken, the porch was broken. The floor was missing planks so that if one should misplace his step he would fall right through to the jungle floor! All this, but there were no bugs, most likely they sought higher premium rooms. I would spend most of my time on the beach, then.

Five days I wandered around: walking, snorkeling, sun bathing, swimming, hiking, gazing, reading, writing, napping, snoozing, sleeping, thinking, pondering, wondering, eating, snacking, and drinking beer. I hired a boat to take me to Coral Island; six Spanish girls and myself actually, as a matter of accuracy. To suggest I

was lucky would also be a matter of accuracy. We snorkeled around some rock outcrops to begin the day, and witnessed the usual bounty of sea life. We prayed for some sea turtles but must not have done it right. We drank a little, talked a little – in both their excellent English and my struggling Spanish – and had some good laughs too. Perhaps my favorite stop of the day was on Coral Islands southern beach. It is a beach so white, with water so clear, that in the intense sun it is impossible to tell where the beach ends and the ocean begins. I believe I have never been to another beach like it. Perhaps there isn't another beach like it. We also made stops to Salang

Bay for lunch, and Monkey Bay for dessert. I spent most of the day in the water and felt like a salty mess when finally it ended.

The morning I was to leave, I was awoken by a particularly loud and playful troop of 60 or more monkeys. They jumped all over the bungalow dorm. They jumped on the roof, swung from the porch, peered through the windows, and chatted from beneath the floor. I took a shower that morning with three monkeys staring at me as if I was the one meant for the zoo! When I went outside they scattered, just out of reach, and laughed at me. I

swear one of them tried cursing me with a gesture. If I could have only grabbed one of them I would have made a certain example of him to the rest. I left for the ferry. Presumably, my bungalow dorm was invaded and settled by the gang of heathens. I take comfort in knowing that at any moment the thing should collapse and send them all straight to where they belong. Back to Kuala Lumpur.